Lessons For Conservatives From Funerals

I must admit that I watched as much as I could of Gerald Ford's funeral because he was the President for most of my high school days and I have always liked him. He seemed like a man that was real comfortable with himself, which is not something you could have said about Johnson and Nixon.

I didn't get to see any of James Brown's funeral, although, I'm guessing it was a bit louder. He had Al Sharpton conduct the funeral, which is kind of like having Hulk Hogan do it, but hey Brown was the Godfather of Soul. This meant that he was black and proud, and had a brand new bag.

Back to Ford's funeral. I realized that a lot of people use funerals to get back at other people.

At the funeral of an aunt, the pastor leading the service mentioned that my aunt, a person of strong opinion, didn't like a particular church and the way they did things. I was a deacon at that church the time the funeral was going on. The pastor was trying to let us know how he knew her,which was little because she didn't go much to his church either, but still I thought it was out of place to mention this at a funeral.

Ford's pastor mentioned that Jerry and Betty were okay with homosexuals in the Episcopal Church.

How this was relevent to the service is anybody's guess except that the Episcopal Church is going through a schizm with conservative Episcopalieans leaving the denomination because everyone in a robe thinks homosexuality is hunky dory. The pastor, who's church's web site takes great pains to welcome homosexuals, was trying to use President Ford's memory to win a political battle.

Then President Jimmy spoke at the Grand Rapids service about how he and President Ford shared a great faith that often times went against conservatives when it came to sexual preference and women's rights.

It struck me that people are now using funerals to get back at those awful conservatives. Ronald Reagan's only begotten son, Ron, went out of his way to smash religious conservatives in his eulogy for his dad.

What's funny is that neither Gerald Ford or Ronald Reagan would have used a funeral to get back at people they disagreed with.

Other Than That, Mrs. Lincoln.

Tuesday's elections, which shifted the power from the Republicans to the Democrats offers us Conservatives lessons that we would do well to remember in the future.

Before we get to the lessons, just a little note about how well we took this. While there was disappointment, it was not like 1994 when the Media, seeking to explain the election, decided it was angry white men who decided to avenge the 1992 election.That, of course, was non-sense, as were the 2000 and 20004 'stolen election' screeds from mental midgets about Florida and Ohio. No, when we lose an election, we stand up, brush the dust off and go forward.

Lesson One: Want But Settle. Politics is an imperfect world. True, it does not make sense for people who want Washington to be fiscally responsible to like a bridge to nowhere. It does not make sense for people who want moral responsibility to support a party where they looked the other way when there was a Pervert first class in their midst. But, it does not make sense to torpedo that party to 'teach it a lesson' when all it does is give the Democrats power to raise taxes to fund their own bridges to nowhere and to push the Gay agenda. Denny Hasert was not the Speaker of The House for the ages. But now you have Nancy Pelosi, who put the LIB in liberal. She not only wants to impeach Bush, she wants to impeach Laura Bush and spade that ugly dog of theirs.

It is sort of like 1992 all over again. You want to punish Pappy Bush for raising taxes but you help put in Bill Clinton, the only man ever to go into politics to meet chicks.

Lesson Two: Watch Your Mouth. Rush Limbaugh is really not a bad guy. He almost single handly resurrected the AM band of the radio dail. His 'children', the new talk show hosts range from bad to good but they all provide a prospective that you do not get on CNN or any of the network news shows or commentary. He was the new media before the new media came around.

However, Limbaugh saying Michael J.Fox was "acting" in his commercial for Claire McCaskill was just plain mean and stupid. Limbaugh point, like Ann Coulter's, is very valid: liberals like to use victims to create an invisible force field around an argument where you cannot discuss an issue without appearing to be discrediting the person. When liberals rallied around Cindy Sheehan, stating she had absolute moral authority because she lost a son in Iraq, Coulter correctly wondered if a mother lost two sons in Iraq, would she then have twice as much absolute moral authority than Sheehan? This you can think about. You don't think about someone implying they enjoy their husband's death. It gets everyone off topic. Soon, we are no longer talking an issue-we are talking about a person and how mean they are. It really gets us off track and we really need to stop it. Let Al Franken and those guys use the cut downs and the jokes.

Lesson Three: We Need Each Other. One of the first groups blamed when the votes went South were Evangelicals. It is always funny to me that you blame the one group that consistantly takes it on the chin for the Republican party. Yet, since, 1980, they have been the one group that supports Republicans with time and money. Here the Democrats are better than us. When they lose an election, they go screaming about Diebold computer voting machines. They don't blame African-Americans.

This is where tolerance would be a good thing because it helps you obtain your goals. Evangelicals need the Libertarians, who will bring an intellectual sense to the party and help broaden the appeal of the party. Libertarians need the Evangelicals to give the party of moral force, even though that might make the Libertarians shutter.

This election was not a good thing. I think it sends a signal to the Islamic facists that we are weak. But politics is sometimes the ability to make Chicken Salad out of Chicken Feed. The Republicans did that in 1994 after 1992.

The Braves

It takes an old guy like me, to remember the real Atlanta Braves. The Atlanta Braves of Pat Rockett, Biff Pocaroba, Brian Axelstein, Albert Hall, Bruuuuce Benidict, and others. The Atlanta Braves managed by Eddie Haas. The Braves in which the picture of the new broadcast team of Erine, Skip, and Pete shows them holding silverware like microphones.

The Braves played out The Atlanta-Fulton County Statdium, which until 1990, always smelled like beer. They had real classy uniforms for a while, then, in some early 70's drug trip, began outfitting their players in a uniform that can only be described as something Walt Disney might have thrown up. It got better in the 80's when they went to the modified softball player look until 1987 when they adopted the classic look they have now.

There was never anything about the Braves to like or dislike. Unlike the Chicago Cubs, people never wrote songs about how neat it was to be a misrable Braves fan. No, the Braves were just there.

In 1990, something began to happen. Dale Murphy was traded. Dale Murphy was the epitome of what a professional athlete should be. I mentioned at the time that if he wasn't a Morman, he'd make a great Baptist.

Then Bobby Cox took over as manager. He had come back to Atlanta after a time in Toronto and worked in the front office. But the managers he put in, Chuck Tanner and Russ Nixon, just did not have it.

After that season John Schuholtz was hired away from Kansas City. It is not a coincidence that the Royals have had only one winning season since then and the Braves have had only one losing season.

I remember 1991. We just want to win the Division! Just give us that. Then it was the National League. Just that. Please. Then it was the World Series.

Atlanta went nuts that year. There were t-shirt stands all over the place. We just had to buy a shirt that had the Braves National League Champions on it. It was like People magazine had named me "Sexiest Person Alive" and I had to buy up all of the magazines just to prove it to people.

During that time, my wife and I were pushing a baby stroller down Town Center Mall and pumped into Ralph Swearingin. Ralph had been our interim Minister a couple of times at the church we were at. He is a great guy with one major flaw: he's from Southern California and was a Dodgers fan. Of course I had to rag him about that. He said something I'll never forget. He said, "I always want my team to win the division, but I worry when they do,because it usually means that they won't be a good the next year".

Of course I knew what he meant. Enjoy it now because the Braves will probably stink next year.

Well, that year, the Braves defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates, a team that was, let's face it, better top to bottom than the Braves, to go to the World Series to face the Minnesota Twins. The Braves took the Series to seven games, losing in the 11th inning. That's okay. We had our one shot. That's all we wanted. One time to see our players jump up and down in the middle of the diamond.One time to see our players interviewed in a champaign soaked locker room. One time we could tell all of those obnoxious New York, Philly and Cincy fans that the Braves were the best and don't start talking to me about what happened when Eisenhower was President.

15 years later, the baby in the stroller is close to getting his driver's license. Ralph is the excutive director of high school sports in the state of Georiga. Atlanta Fulton County Stadium is now a parking lot.

The excitement of going to the post-season was less the next year. Not as many t-shirt stands. Braves lost the World Series to Toronto in six games that year.

Finally won the World Series in 1995. Lost another one in 1996. Lost another one in 1999. Went as far of the National League Championship in 2001. Out early since then.

Sports radio talk shows featured callers and hosts saying the Braves were like the Buffalo Bills of baseball. Put downs from people who have never even been employees of the month.

This year, the Braves were not very good. Life an inner tube, once one hole was patched, another would leak. Players would be injured. Pitchers would pitch, um, not very well. It just never seemed like the Braves were all there.

It has been a great ride. One I never thought would happen in 1990

The Six

There are six people in the world today that could become the President of The United States on January 20, 2009. Of course, only one will. Let's look at who consider the top three in each party.

Up front I'll let you know that I'm leaving out Newt Gingrich (too many marriages), George Allen (too goofy), John Kerry (too Thurston Howell IIIish) and John Edwards (too slick). With the exception of Gingrich, these three guys really have no clue about the Presidency except that it would be way too cool to be President.

I'm leaving out Al Gore, too. I mean, come on, Al Gore, again? Isn't that carrying Bush fatigue a little too far? I don't care how many movies he stars in, he is a professional gas bag.

Here's my list. First the Republicans.

1) John McCain-Even though he seems to be more interested on how he'll sound on Imus In The
Morning, McCain has done the typical Republican duty of paying his dues and biding his time. He campaigns all over the place and the press loves him. Having dodged death several times in his life and being a POW, nobody can say he has had it easy. Problems: McCain-Feingold, the campaign reform bill, is a frontal assualt on freedom of speech no matter how well intentioned it is. McCain is older than the crowd and has some health issues. Plus, it is said he has a temper and that's probably where the country's satirists are going to focus to define him. However, I'd say it is even money that John McCain will be the country's next President.

2)Rudolph Giulani-There's never been a mayor elected President of The United States, but New York is practically a state anyway. He was a tough Republican in a Democratic town and basically made New York a place to go for a vacation. That would not have been writtein in 1991.
Problems: Giulani is New York City kind of Republican. Pro Choice, Gay Marriage, etc. Things that don't quite play well in the Deacon Board room. However, he has come down South a lot and seems to be able to make a connection with all of us unwashed Rednecks. We know know how he would react in a crisis. If someone is going to beat McCain, it would be Giulani.

3)Mitt Romney-The Massachusetts governor is the Conservative Republican in the race. Now that would not have been written in 1991. Problems: Hasn't waited his turn, not enough dough,
We've never had a Mormon President, but he's only had one wife (McCain and Giulani have enough ex-wives for a softball team if you throw in Newt's ex-wives.)

One thing I've noticed about these guys is that all three are articulate and don't have that great Bush knack of appearing that English is your second language. You can't hurl the dumb card at them. I predict the Moonbats will hurl the mean card at them.

Now The Democrats:

1)Hillary Clinton-The owner of the world's largest brain, Senator Clinton is the key the restoration of the Clinton White House. She's tough, smart, always a step a head. She's also mean, arrogant, and Richard Nixon in drag. You either like Hillary Clinton or you loathe her.
The latest on Ms. Clinton is that she would like to be the Senate Majority leader, if the Democrats win the Senate this fall. If Clinton looks at the polls and concludes that she could win the nomination but not the general election, she'll do just that. However, if you had to bet, bet on her running. Winning may be another thing.

2)Mark Warner-Former Governor of Virginia, Mr. Warner is the nobody ever heard of centerist that Democrats seem to turn to when they want to win the White House. Unless he moves far to the left, though, he could never defeat Clinton in the primaries.

3)Barak Obama-Consider this scenario: Hillary Clinton bows out of the race. Warner cannot get any traction and the people of Iowa are subjected to Gore,Kerry, and Edwards. Sen. Obama jumps in the race. He's got a force field around him because the Mainstream Media is not going to tear down the first really serious African American Presidential canidate that doesn't speak in aliteration.

But, of course, I could be wrong.

Youth Baseball

The Little League World Series is on ESPN now, featuring teams from all over the world. Which means, everywhere in the world there is a Dad watching a kid bat thinking, "they cut my kid for that!"

We have spent the last ten years involved in some way in some sort of Youth sports. I have come to several conclusions.

1) Youth sports are not about the kids. It is about parents.

2) Every kid is a whiney cry baby. Except Yours. He is sensitive.

3) On the first day of practice, the head coach will mis-pronounce your name and your son's name. He will say we play baseball for fun. What he means: we play baseball to win and you should worship my child like he was the babe born in Bethlehem.

4) They (usually Dads) decide who is a good player and who is not when the player is four years old. They (the same Dads) usually have no professional baseball experience except watching a game on TV.

5) If you want your kid to possible have a career in baseball: adopt of child from the Dominican Republic.

6) If you cannot adopt a kid from the Dominican Republic, dedicate all of you waking hours, including the five minutes when you make love to your wife, thinking about how you can get your kid on a Travel Team. I'd begin researching right after conception.

7) My opinion of Travel teams: The concept itself is good. Kind of like "honors" or "advanced placement" classes in school. The execution of it stinks. It is way too political. It costs way too much to do and honestly, are there that many exceptional youth baseball players out there?

8) Fall ball is worthless unless it is introducing your kid to rec league baseball. Have them take football or soccer instead.

9) What we need to be teaching (good sportsmanship) is often ignored so we can hoist a $6.00 trophy in the air.

10) We want the kids to compete and to win. But, at the end of the day we need to realize that there are 200 million Chinese who don't care.

Modern Bob

This just in from Planet Bob: Bob Dylan, whom most Americans say with geniune awe: "Who told this guy he could sing?", has just released his four millioneth album, Modern Times.

Dylan, who has written classic American songs like "Blowin' In The Wind", "Like A Rolling Stone", and "Joan Baez Is A Cow (I Don't Know What I Ever Saw In Her)", is now 65 years old and no longer plays the guitar at concerts. He shakes his cane at the audience telling them to get off his lawn.

Bob Dylan albums come in several different catagories.

1) The Bad: Think of Self Portrait and Dylan

2) The Not As Bad As They Say It Is: Albums like Street Legal and Shot Of Love.

3) Not As Good As They Say It Is: Time Out Of Mind and Desire

4) The Great: Blonde On Blonde, Blood On The Tracks, and Love & Theft

When listening to Modern Times you have to keep it in the back of your mind that Dylan is 65 years olds. Upon that criteria, this album is probably should win the award for "Best Album By A 65 Year Old That Should Be Dead".

Once you get past that, at times, Modern Times seems like an album written, produced, and performed by Abe Simpson.

Like all,um, older people, Dylan can get "wordy" at times and several songs seem like they go on forever and they do not become forever young. Nettie Moore seems like it takes months to get through and Bob probably could have cut Spirit On The Water by a minute or two.

It is like he tells you that he is going to tell you a story and then in the middle of it he is talking about how the Kaiser took the word "twenty" and you had to say "Nineteen Dickety Two" and sandwiches were called "flat breadies".

However, all Bob Dylan albums, including all of the ones in the 80's , have at least one great performence on it. For me, Thunder On The Mountain is it. Again, it is a little verbose, but the part about crying about Alicia Keyes (which sounds like a name of someone he would have met at Maggie's Farm) is good fun as is the part about "I got the pork chop/she got the pie. She's no angel/and neither am I".

The copy Modern Times I bought has a DVD extra that has four Dylan videos. It has the Love Sick performance at the 1998 Grammies that "SOY BOMB" showed up at. That little dance has
been edited out. There is also a Larry Charles directed version of Cold Irons Bound which is just simply cool.

All in all, Modern Times is going to fit in the 3rd catagory of Dylan albums for me. Not bad for an
old timers.

Connecticut Puts The Nuts In Nutmeg

If there is one thing the primary battle between Ned Lamont and Sen Joe Lieberman in Connecticut shows is that there are many, many Democrats in that state that have the I.Q. of lettuce.

Joe Lieberman was the charismatic half of the famed Gore-Lieberman ticket. Since that time, Al Gore has: grown a beard, shaved it off, and starred in a movie called, "An Inconvient Truth" (working title: "We All Are Going To Die"). On the other hand, Lieberman has continued to serve in the Senate, where collegues from both sides of the aisle comment on how much he sounds like a Hanna-Barbara cartoon character when he talks (my vote: Snagglepuss).

One thing Lieberman has done is support the war in Iraq, which, if you know anything about the Left in this country is as popular with them as Mel Gibson at a synagoue.

And not only that,Lieberman does something that is relatively uncommon in today's politics. He respectively disagrees.

In today's politics, you just cannot disagree. You have to stand up and shout, stomp your feet, and accuse the person of the other side as being a total Nazi doofus.

Well, despite a voting record that is to the left of Michael Moore, Lieberman drew opposition from Ned Lamont, who in true Democrat party fashion, is a rich person that cares about poor people, even those that cannot join his country club.

You would think Lieberman, with all of this national experience would be able to flick Lamont away, but Lamont is leading all of the polls despite a performance in a debate which showed Lamont went to the Dan Qualye School Of Debate.

It has gotten so bad for Lieberman that he had to call in the big guns. In the Democratic party that means: The Clintons.

Way back when, when there no current wars on TV, Saddam was in Iraq and all was right in the world, Former President Bill got in trouble for having whatever he thought he was having with a young intern who turned out to be big boned as well. We did not hear alot of Jihads back then. We did hear a lot about Former President Bill's, um, habits, which mind you, are not anybody's business except his, Former First Lady Sen.Clinton, and whoever he might have been not having his defination of sex with.

Lieberman got on the floor of the Senate and said, now get this, this type of behavior is wrong.

That's water under the bridge now. Of course at the rally Former President Bill spoke at, he spent a good 15 minutes talking about himself and the new Mazda he just bought.

However, things have gotten so bad for Lieberman that Chris Matthews paused long enough from interrupting whoever he was supposed to be interviewing to urge Connecticut Democratic voters to make this vote a referendum on the war. Oddly enough, Matthews then began pining for a Presidential canidate that has a philosophy, knows history, and reads books. What's odd about that is that this describes Newt Gingrich.

But let's leave the implications of Connecticut's primary and go to a fun election, the 4th district in Georgia which featured Cynthia McKinney vs Hank Johnson, Jr.

Ms. McKinney is a serious member of House Of Representatives if serious is defined as crazy as a betsy bug. She's been in the House on and off for 12 years now and her two major contributions have been: Naming a post office and Creating great comedic moments like punching policemen because they are either: a) White and therefore racists; b) stupid for not recognizing her dispite the fact that she changes her hairstyle every 45 minutes with the intent of finding the funniest style and sticking with it. Ms. McKinney did not invent the race card, but boy she has perfected it.

Her opponent, Hank Johnson,Jr ran on the platform: I Am Not Cynthia McKinney. This was enough to defeat McKinney despite the fact Mr. Johnson is probably is slowest speaking person in the state of Georgia.

In a local Cobb County race, Rev.Dr. John Crooks won the Republican nomination for post six of the Cobb County school board despite fears that he, by himself, would tear down the wall of seperation between church and state and the endorsement of Alan's Alley.